Sunday, March 30, 2014

Noah movie review

1 star out of 5

If, like me, you saw the trailers for the Noah movie and thought it would be the old story with great actors and awesome modern cgi you are in for a disappointment. I wasn't worried about how closely it followed the classic story-line, but I expected the basics to remain. To me, Noah's ark was about building the ark and the animals...which is exactly what the movie isn't about.

Most of the building was done by 'fallen angels' depicted by hideously deformed giant rock monsters. There goes a monument to engineering, hard work and perseverance.

The gathering and loading of the animals was finished in a few minutes. After which they were put to sleep using a smoke that conveniently did not affect humans and were out of the picture for the duration.

So, what filled the other two hours of movie time? Angst. Watching Noah decide that humanity must die out completely and turn into a complete nutcase - not even considering the possibility that if a barren woman becomes pregnant that humans were supposed to continue or that killing babies is WRONG. As my friend whispered during the movie "This is so f***ed up."

According to my son the only good cgi was when Methuselah sent a wave of fire over an army. Which brings me to another point: the violence. Not just the flood deaths, the movie was full of brutal violence against people and animals. Seriously, the man who wrote the script needs therapy.

Why was the trailer nothing like the movie then? Greed. The studio knew very well that most people wouldn't be interested in the story they were telling and if they used an honest trailer the movie would bomb. Which it should.

Don't go.


Tanya Walton said...

I rather fancied this movie when I saw it I know not to bother...maybe when it comes on TV I will give it a go bit nothing more...thanks for the honest review.

Thomas Greenwalt said...

Noah was depicted as one of those nutty environmentalists who feels humans are ruining the earth and need to be removed. The story in the bible is a retelling of a much earlier flood story, maybe several stories.

tpals said...

I watched Toy Story this evening to clear the nasty aftertaste left from that movie out of my mind. It worked!