Last night I wanted chocolate. Not just a taste or a piece, I wanted it all. Binge. Where others might drink too much, use drugs, or take risks to escape I eat. Yesterday was the moment when all the overwhelming, confusing and painful thoughts and feelings peaked. Is it an improvement that I recognized what was happening inside my head? I went straight home after work and watched a kids movie on tv (Zathura). Curled up on the sofa with a very large cat anchoring me down and knitting needles keeping my hands busy I was safe. I knew there was no possibility that I would drive 8 miles in the rain to buy candy, especially when I couldn't stand the thought of seeing and talking to people.
My big brother has a thick skin. I picture him impervious to hate, cruelty and unkindness. A modern superman. I wish I were strong like him.