Tuesday, October 6, 2009

so messed up

Last night I wanted chocolate. Not just a taste or a piece, I wanted it all. Binge. Where others might drink too much, use drugs, or take risks to escape I eat. Yesterday was the moment when all the overwhelming, confusing and painful thoughts and feelings peaked. Is it an improvement that I recognized what was happening inside my head? I went straight home after work and watched a kids movie on tv (Zathura). Curled up on the sofa with a very large cat anchoring me down and knitting needles keeping my hands busy I was safe. I knew there was no possibility that I would drive 8 miles in the rain to buy candy, especially when I couldn't stand the thought of seeing and talking to people.

My big brother has a thick skin. I picture him impervious to hate, cruelty and unkindness. A modern superman. I wish I were strong like him.

1 comment:

allotments4you.com said...

strength comes in many forms...the fact that you realised your weakness and overcame it shows great strength and courage...don't sell yourself short and put yourself down...you did really well!!!!